The Convent (2000)

The Convent  

Release Date: 2000

Rating: * * 1/2

By John Engell September 26, 2012
 
I first read about “The Convent” earlier this year via Adrienne Barbeau’s Facebook page, when she linked to an article on Fear Net entitled “Six Obscure Horror Gems from the 2000’s.” I had only previously heard of one of the titles on the list, although I have subsequently acquired several of the others, which may just end up being covered here on Favorite Scary Movie Reviews. Anyway I picked up “The Convent” at the Scare-A-Cuse con from one of its vendors for a mere $5 used.
  
According to that aforementioned article, what makes 2000’s “The Convent” so obscure is its lack of a domestic theatrical release, as well as its large absence from the video rental market. Apparently the film’s beginning sequence, which involves a leather clad chick’s bludgeoning, burning, and shotgun shooting of a church full of nuns, was too much for Blockbuster to stomach, as the company refused to carry it on their shelves. So Lions Gate’s DVD release a year later was and really is the only way to enjoy this horror comedy cheese-fest.
  
That oft considered offensive opening shouldn’t be that off-putting, as it turns out the clergy in question was really a congregation of toothy vampires that had taken up residence in God’s house. That initial massacre sends the vanquisher of the vamps, a girl named Christine, to the nuthouse for the next 30 years. Her story becomes local legend and the scene of the crime becomes a popular destination for your stock high and horny school kids looking for some excitement. Well needless to say our motley crew finds said excitement after a botched ritual turns one of the young people into a member of the undead. Carnage ensues and a good deal of fluorescent blood, illuminated under the production’s black lighting setup, is spilt. As her friend’s continue to turn, our heroine Clorissa escapes the convent and enlists the help of adult Christine, played to perfection by genre vet Barbeau, who comes to the church and kicks some serious ass. Sadly haven’t seen Adrienne in a role like this since the 80’s (“Swamp Thing” comes to mind), but here's hoping...

It is easy to see why some consider “The Convent” to be a straight comedy, as the scares are non existent. The characters are amusing however, particularly the town’s two police officers played hilariously by Bill Moseley (“House of 1,000 Corpses”) and 90’s Billboard chart-topper Coolio! Pitty those scene stealers weren’t in more of the movie, but at a manageable 80 minute run time, the film’s not much of a commitment.

Director Mike Mendez’s next feature is not nearly as obscure as “The Convent.” 2006’s “The Gravedancers,” was included by After Dark Films in its inaugural horror fest, and received a healthy dvd release as part of the original "8 Films To Die For."

Scare-A-Cuse 2012

By John Engell September 19, 2012

As I mention in my profile, I attend numerous horror conventions throughout the calendar year. Most of those excursions entail hours of travel time to surrounding states (New York is not a horror hotbed) and a good deal of expense (the ever rising cost of gas, and tolls). So needless to say I was excited when I read several months ago that Upstate New York would be hosting its very own event entitled Scare-A-Cuse, and I was impressed when I saw the guest list (many of whom I had never met before) for this regional con in only its second year of existence. With less than a 45-minute drive from my front door to the venue, I decided to purchase a full 4-day pass. Thursday night featured a mixer, but Friday kicked things off.

That morning I sat in on my first panel, which I have always passed on prior purely due to time constraints. Because the con began early on Friday opposed to the more traditional evening start time, celebs were slow to show. It was a good half hour into proceedings before all four participants had made an appearance. Michael Berryman of Wes Craven's "Hills Have Eyes," dominated the conversation, which was very informal. The discussion was entertaining, but not terribly informative as the questions posed to the celebs by the audience dealt primarily with how to succeed in the industry. Then Michael went off on an old grudge about being mislead into thinking he would be cast in the "Hills" remake, which coincidentally I had already heard almost word for word the night before when I put in my Region 2 Arrow Video copy of "Deadly Blessing" and listened to Berryman's interview included in the bonus features. Without a moderator things quickly denigrated into a bitch session.

From there I hit the floor and browsed the vendors- another activity I rarely have the time to really enjoy. There were far fewer booths than the larger cons, but perhaps that helped quell my spending. I did purchase several cheapo dvds for my collection- Three documentaries from a budget indie distribution studio called SRS Cinema (how budget? The dvd sleeves have other titles printed on the reverse side); One on John Russo's film-making, one on Tom Savini's makeup effects, and one on the 25th Anniversary of "Night of the Living Dead" convention. Also snagged a used copy of "The Convent" starring Adrienne Barbeau, which will be reviewed here next week. Got a Freddy figure and couple different copies of the 100th issue of "The Walking Dead."

Then it was time for autographs. Highlights? - Adding Judith O'Dea's sig to my "NOTLD" poster, and meeting the beautiful Barbara Nedeljakova of "Hostel" fame.

Cheers

Cheers to John Russo for not being rigid with his pricing. The majority of convention celebs charge a flat fee for an autograph (typically $20) whether it be on something of theirs or an item of your own . Celebrity's refusal to tier their pricing ie. $10 for your item signed (logical seeing as it doesn't cost the celeb anything other than a few seconds of their time) or $20 for anything on my table signed (makes sense taking into consideration the cost they incur at printers) has deterred me from getting many guests. When I told Russo what I was interested in (the original screenplay for "Return of the Living Dead," his novel "The Awakening" and a poster for his film "Midnight"), he bundled the items for a very reasonable price. He made money, and is now receiving free publicity, and I left happy and as an even bigger fan of his work.

Cheers to Derek Mears, who now resides in my top 5 convention experiences of all time. I must confess I had passed on him before (which I now regret), once again because of lack of coin. Derek was an absolute pleasure. He took his time with each fan in his line. He patiently answered questions even the mundane ones. He graciously discussed Wes Craven's "Cursed" with me, in which he played the werewolf. He was a gentleman to all and a model by which most celebrities at these conventions could learn a thing or two from in regards to how to treat their fans. Speaking of which...

Jeers

Jeers to Danielle Harris. Danielle was late to the floor Friday despite the fact that the convention technically began Thursday. No matter, I had that full event pass so I returned Saturday with the sole intent of meeting Danielle. When I approached her table (the area was as barren as a post-apocalyptic wasteland) she had her face buried in her cell phone. I had to say hello twice before she would even acknowledge me (she asked me to hold on, before she lost her thought). I would have left at that point if her handler didn't already have my twenty bucks. She then scribbled her name on my dvd cover (after asking me several times what my name was), answered a couple questions I had about the film (I typically forgo questions while getting a graph out of courtesy to my fellow fans who are waiting), but since there was no one in sight I figured what the hell. She answered the questions briefly, one of which concerned filming locations for the epic "Stakeland." When she said the Catskill Mountains, I replied "Oh, so close by?" and her response was "I don't know where we are." Hhmmm. Danielle I've said it before about other celebs and I'll say it to you again. If conventions are an imposition to you and your schedule, if they impede upon your personal life, if you have better things to do then by all means do your fans a favor, and don't take their money.

Notwithstanding, Scare-A-Cuse was a success and an event I will pen in on my next year's horror convention calendar!

The Stuff (1985)

The Stuff

Release Date: 1985

Rating: * * * 1/2

By John Engell September 12, 2012 

From Master of Horror Larry Cohen ("It's Alive") comes "The Stuff." The Stuff in question is a white, fluff-like substance that springs naturally from the Earth. After the delicious goop is discovered it is quickly put into distribution and marketed to the masses as a tasty, low-calorie alternative to ice cream. Junk food bigwigs get nervous over their new competition, and after their failed attempts to analyze the goo or convince insiders to talk about it, they hire former FBI agent turned spy Mo Rutherford (the marvelous Michael Moriarty) to find the secret to the Stuff.
    
Turns out the Stuff is as addictive and dangerous as any drug. It has infiltrated and compromised the FDA and it is poisoning the public. It is a parasite in need of a host, and it’s turning the community into veritable “pod people.” Rutherford is able to convince Nicole, the PR person behind the product, to accompany him on his campaign to stop the Stuff. They are joined on their journey by disgruntled out-of-work businessman Chocolate Chip Charlie, a paranoid  recluse, Colonel Malcolm Grommett Spears and Jason, a young boy who was suspect of the Stuff from the beginning and has subsequently escaped his home after his parents and brother were turned into “stuffies.” With much memorable dialogue and true blue-collar special effects, "The Stuff" has an ending as satisfying as any dessert. 
    
"The Stuff" is quintessential 80’s filmmaking. It is clearly a statement on American consumerism and our craze happy culture’s desire to conform. But social commentary aside, this is a real gem of the genre. Well written, and real fun to watch. For this type of fare, "The Stuff" receives a well deserved A. They just don’t make them like this anymore.

The Devonsville Terror (1983)

The Devonsville Terror

Release Date: 1983

Rating: * *

By John Engell September 5, 2012

It is fair to say that director Ulli Lommel is a hack. The man has spent the last ten years of his film-making tenure churning out direct-to-video schlock on every serial killer committed to memory. His 2004 film “Zombie Nation” has the dishonor of being in the top ten of IMDB’s Bottom 100, with the shamefully low user rating of 1.6. Lommel however, has good company on that list. The late great Bob Clark, the maverick visionary responsible for “A Christmas Story,” amongst other cult classics, sits at its three spot with his final film “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2,” also released in 2004. Like Clark, who began his career with horror favorites such as “Death Dream” and “Black Christmas,” Lommel too had his moment, albeit fleeting and rather forgettable.
   
His 1980 opus “Boogeyman,” is the highlight of his lackluster career. Made during the post-“Halloween” boom when every two-bit wannabe with a camera jumped on the body count bandwagon, “Boogeyman” is a passable slasher-by-numbers. Nevertheless, it can be argued that one of Lommel’s follow-up efforts, 1983’s “The Devonsville Terror,” is the best example of the director’s no budget, no talent brand of movie making.
   
The film is set in the late seventeenth century New England town of Devonsville, where a hasty inquisition results in the murder of three women deemed by the locals to be witches. The first of the accused is eaten by swine, the second is bound to a wheel and rolled down an embankment to her grisly death and the third is burned at the stake. As the last persecuted woman is set ablaze, she puts a curse on the townspeople. Fast forward 300 years later when a Devonsville man suffocates his nagging wife and unknowingly unleashes the vengeful spirit.
   
After he reprised his role as Doctor Samuel Loomis in the much anticipated sequel to John Carpenter’s “Halloween” only two years prior, Donald Pleasance inexplicably appears in this amateurish attempt, once again cast as a man of medicine. Pleasance plays Dr. Warley, Devonsville’s primary physician, and a man obsessed with his ancestors. His relations have passed to him stories of the inquisition, and a sickening flesh disease where worms bore holes in his skin from the inside out. Warley becomes fixated on the town’s old witch hunt and rather unethically hypnotizes his patients to transport them back to that fateful day (Not really sure how that works). 
   
Regardless, when three strong women move into town, a disc jockey, a scientist, and a school teacher, the chauvinistic and superstitious men of the community believe they are reincarnations of the witches and are quick to exact some vigilante justice on the strangers.
   
Despite its clear monetary restrictions, “The Devonsville Terror” has one heck of a finale, with special fx that any B movie fan can appreciate. It is quite obscure. Aside from VHS, it was released in ‘99 by Anchor Bay as a DVD double feature with the aforementioned “Boogeyman.” That disc is now out of print, but can be tracked down on Amazon or Ebay or at your local used entertainment store, which is where I found my copy. Make no mistake, “The Devonsville Terror” is no Bob Clark movie, but it isn’t a bad way for genre fans to spend 80 minutes.