The Convent (2000)

The Convent  

Release Date: 2000

Rating: * * 1/2

By John Engell September 26, 2012
 
I first read about “The Convent” earlier this year via Adrienne Barbeau’s Facebook page, when she linked to an article on Fear Net entitled “Six Obscure Horror Gems from the 2000’s.” I had only previously heard of one of the titles on the list, although I have subsequently acquired several of the others, which may just end up being covered here on Favorite Scary Movie Reviews. Anyway I picked up “The Convent” at the Scare-A-Cuse con from one of its vendors for a mere $5 used.
  
According to that aforementioned article, what makes 2000’s “The Convent” so obscure is its lack of a domestic theatrical release, as well as its large absence from the video rental market. Apparently the film’s beginning sequence, which involves a leather clad chick’s bludgeoning, burning, and shotgun shooting of a church full of nuns, was too much for Blockbuster to stomach, as the company refused to carry it on their shelves. So Lions Gate’s DVD release a year later was and really is the only way to enjoy this horror comedy cheese-fest.
  
That oft considered offensive opening shouldn’t be that off-putting, as it turns out the clergy in question was really a congregation of toothy vampires that had taken up residence in God’s house. That initial massacre sends the vanquisher of the vamps, a girl named Christine, to the nuthouse for the next 30 years. Her story becomes local legend and the scene of the crime becomes a popular destination for your stock high and horny school kids looking for some excitement. Well needless to say our motley crew finds said excitement after a botched ritual turns one of the young people into a member of the undead. Carnage ensues and a good deal of fluorescent blood, illuminated under the production’s black lighting setup, is spilt. As her friend’s continue to turn, our heroine Clorissa escapes the convent and enlists the help of adult Christine, played to perfection by genre vet Barbeau, who comes to the church and kicks some serious ass. Sadly haven’t seen Adrienne in a role like this since the 80’s (“Swamp Thing” comes to mind), but here's hoping...

It is easy to see why some consider “The Convent” to be a straight comedy, as the scares are non existent. The characters are amusing however, particularly the town’s two police officers played hilariously by Bill Moseley (“House of 1,000 Corpses”) and 90’s Billboard chart-topper Coolio! Pitty those scene stealers weren’t in more of the movie, but at a manageable 80 minute run time, the film’s not much of a commitment.

Director Mike Mendez’s next feature is not nearly as obscure as “The Convent.” 2006’s “The Gravedancers,” was included by After Dark Films in its inaugural horror fest, and received a healthy dvd release as part of the original "8 Films To Die For."